Jon Stewart, Donald Trump, Sarah Palin & pizza? This... This is some good stuff...

Grammy Award Muse-ings: East Coast bias, Mumford & Sons shine, Cee Lo Green glows, Arcade Fire ignite, Ma-GaGa-donna & more

First of all, the pink elephant in the room - the music industry is anchored in Los Angeles. The Grammy Awards are held in Los Angeles. The notable parties are all in Los Angeles.

Why aren't the Grammy Awards televised live in Los Angeles?

The obvious answer I come up with is that they're hoping most of the industry won't watch them, that way they can't question why the awards show was opened with a stale tribute to a living legend that would have been better-suited for later in the telecast.

No disrespect to Aretha Franklin, but Cee Lo Green should have opened the show.

Or Justin Bieber, but God-forbid they do that and risk all the kids going to bed, then mom and dad turning on anything more entertaining. (For the record, there was nothing else on. My father-in-law called at 11pm EST and said he was watching - not because he particularly cared, but because he was out of options.)

That Cee Lo Green performance was everything that an opening act should be - dynamic, fun, original and relevant. Muppets! How awesome was that? You know what was just as awesome? The song - just further proving the argument I waged on my Facebook page a few weeks ago, that a great song becomes little more than a novelty when it's hanging its marketing shingle on an f-bomb.

The song is already great, and didn't miss a beat being delivered as "Forget You" - calling it "Fuck You" is nothing more than a cheap and completely unnecessary gimmick that panders to the lowest common denominator.

Speaking of turn-offs, I've loved Lady Gaga from day one - so early on, that people laughed at me when I told them she should be huge. That said, she's only one album in and I already fear her career trajectory could be where Marilyn Manson was after Mechanical Animals. That's how accelerated culture is today, and I fear she's already losing sight of the smaller picture as she jumps the Jaws tank in an effort to express herself.

You're only as good as your current hit, and the groundwork is already being laid for her next one, with the Hollywood Reporter reporting today that Gaga's producer RedOne boasts that the next single "is going to shock" - you mean, as opposed to suck?

"Born This Way" doesn't suck, but it's far from great - and a great way to have buried the song's Madonna comparisons would have been to be joined by the material girl onstage last night. Which obviously didn't happen. In a world where there is no such thing as accidental press, the fact that they're already setting up song No. 2 speaks volumes...

The big winner last night was Mumford & Sons (pictured above). They were in a league all their own, playing with an honesty and spirit that was effervescent. They're going to steal the show at Coachella this year - a 60,000 person sing-along will provide the type of magic that sells the festival out in three days despite a lackluster lineup.

Muse were my other favorite from the night - they managed to translate a big rock show (with obvious nods to Pink Floyd and Queensryche) onto the small screen, making it not only believable, but (here's that word again) relevant.

I wish Bob Dylan was remotely relevant. He came across as old as he sounded. Barbra Streisand sounded great, but how many people cared? Part of the problem NARAS are now facing is that they are trying to spread themselves too thin. Aretha tribute. Bieber performance. Yes, it's an overview of where we are, but it really wasn't tied together well at all. A shred of cohesion could do wonders.

John Mayer, Norah Jones and Keith Urban performing Dolly Parton was great - but where was Dolly Parton? I feel like that fell as flat as John Mayer wasting an opportunity to ad lib and stating he'd stick to the teleprompter...

What makes Mayer such a star - aside from his musical talent - is the fact that he is smart enough to manipulate pop culture to fit his personality. Problem is, he's been snakebit since calling Jessica Simpson sexual napalm, and now he comes across as afraid to open his mouth.

Nobody else worries about opening their mouth, why the double standard?

I had to hide from Twitter and Facebook all day yesterday to avoid the barrage of people announcing winners and spoiling the surprise before we on the West Coast had a chance to see the action, at least make it worth my while to watch!

Arcade Fire would have been a nice surprise - if it was a surprise. As for their show, their punk bravado reminds me a lot of Sonic Youth. And the strobe lights ever-present through their performances reminded me of Motley Crue when they reunited on television what seems like eons ago. We listen with our eyes as much as our ears - don't underestimate how important those strobes were...

Did Arcade Fire really deliver the best album of the past year? Does it really matter? The Grammy Awards got what they wanted - indie cred... Despite the disarray that ensued with their botched Arcade Fire/Barbara Streisand/Kris Kristofferson ending.

Ouch.

One final note, to the publicity company that sent out press releases immediately after the live broadcast aired announcing all the winners - really? You get paid in the ballpark of $5,000/month to work your A-list clients, but you can't stay up until the West Coast feed ends to send out a one-line release announcing that said band won a Grammy, and it was their first?

You couldn't even give us a quote from the band? Nothing but a buzzkill, that's all that press release was... NARAS, meanwhile, doesn't even know how to create a buzz - they kept announcing that people won earlier in the night, but they never went so far as to even scroll the winners that weren't televised.

When NARAS doesn't even think their own awards are important enough to announce, how seriously are we supposed to take them?

About as seriously as Cee Lo Green, I guess.

SLASH AND BURN @ SUPER BOWL XLVBlack Eyed Peas pack serious halftime heat

The only thing I found annoying about the Black Eyed Peas halftime performance during yesterday's Super Bowl, was the outpouring of hyperbole and criticism that followed.

We live in a culture of hatred and entitlement, and I'm finding it harder and harder to disguise my disgust. It used to be you needed a modicum of training, etiquette and professionalism to be a critic. Now all you need is an internet connection.

Spelling, grammar and any hint of education are optional, and typically frowned upon.

Just because you and all of your like-minded friends may agree that you hate the Black Eyed Peas, does not mean that the Black Eyed Peas suck. It just means that you don't like the Black Eyed Peas. I follow a disproportional number of rock fans on Twitter, and I could have predicted their reaction before the halftime show even started. But that was tame compared to the reaction at the party I was at, where I was standing between members of the Guns N Roses camp.

The tough crowd got even tougher when the "Sweet Child O' Mine" cover started and Fergie delivered a little Axl Rose slither as she cozied up alongside Slash, GnR's iconic ex-guitarist.

I'm an Axl Rose loyalist to the core - but, admittedly, even that collaboration didn't bother me that much. The Super Bowl halftime show is arguably the biggest stage there is in music - can you blame the Black Eyed Peas for pulling out all the stops?

Unfortunately, they didn't sound great. But it's the halftime SHOW, not the halftime CONCERT. The spectacle was huge, and it delivered. No, maybe the performers didn't deliver as well as they - and others - may have liked, but if you are watching the Super Bowl with the sole intention of critiquing ads and the halftime show, you're part of today's problem, not part of the solution.

The Super Bowl is a worldwide institution and, in a lot of ways, its prevailing hooplah has come to represent everything that's wrong with America as we spiral through the 21st century as a culture of lemmings that care more about being heard, than about right, fair or even articulate.

I never got the guy's name, but I had a great conversation in the third quarter about how much money was spent on advertising, and where all that advertising money comes from... Us.

We're in a recession, but we're still fueling an economy that continues to cater to excess at a time when we should be dialing our habits down. I don't care how much money Budweiser pays to license a classic Elton John song, their product still tastes more like stale piss to me than it does beer.

Which brings me back to the Black Eyed Peas...

They are a pop music phenomenon, not a live music staple. Their songs are built around club beats and designed for dance floors, not live performances. And if you want to compare them musically to any other act that's performed halftime in recent memory, you're just advertising your own tunnel vision.

Black Eyed Peas are a production team, not a rock band. And they're damn good at what they do. In fact, they are amongst the best. That show last night was visually stunning, even if the vocals fell a little flat. But you know what? At least they were singing (or trying, as the case may be) - I'd rather relish the effort amidst the spectacle, than watch a lip-sync laughathon.

It didn't take a sound engineer to know there were sound problems. All their mics cut out at one point or another, and that's not the band's fault. Who knows what they were actually hearing on stage? Am I making excuses? Yes, I am - but I tuned in to watch the Super Bowl, not play armchair quarterback and pass judgment on the bells and whistles that surrounded the game.

Last night's game was a phenomenal steak dinner. The Black Eyes Peas performance was akin to finding some wilted lettuce in a salad that is highlighted by some superb blue cheese dressing.

If you're tuning into the Super Bowl to get your music fix, I feel sorry for you - there's so much more out there, you just need to open your ears and listen. And if you're one of those people screaming that the Black Eyed Peas suck and are a musical travesty, maybe it's time to look beyond your own short-sightedness.

They don't suck,they're just not your thing. To the masses that are not metal fans, Slipknot suck so hard they should change their name to Hoover. That doesn't make me appreciate them any less. Green Day is the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard to me - that doesn't mean that they suck, it just means that they're not my thing.

To each their own... But we live in America, where people are incapable of compromise. It's all or nothing, and our way or the highway.

If you're liberal, all conservatives are evil. Period.

And if you're a rock fan watching the Black Eyed Peas during the Super Bowl, you've judged them before you even stop to consider the very nature of what they do, or how they do it. Yes, their performance wasn't perfect, but they were playing the Super Bowl, not the Grammy Awards.

It was a football game, and they provided a halftime spectacle - and an excellent one at that. To say that Fergie can't sing is just flat-out wrong - she can sing, even if she wasn't in top form Sunday night.

If you would care to discuss how your definition of music is different than a Black Eyed Peas fan's definition of music, that's another story altogether - but, again, we are talking about opinions, not facts.

I just think back to how I felt growing up, being a fan of heavy metal and having people talk down to me because that wasn't what they consider "real" music.

I remember how it felt when people would tell me that Metallica sucked, when in fact they were just scared and intimidated of the band and what they stood for. They said they aren't music, they're noise. Those judgmental people helped shape me into the person I am today - and those memories are what make me want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

As Dan Akroyd said in the cinematic opus Spies Like Us - we mock what we don't understand.

As for the Super Bowl? Don't hate the playas just cuz you don't like the game.

And as for me? I like the Black Eyed Peas, and all the boom boom pow they deliver.

SNL releases unaired Paul McCartney skit

Saturday Night Live has released an outtake from last weekend's show (12/14/10, view here) featuring musical guest Paul McCartney - the sketch features the Beatles frontman and guest host Paul Rudd in one of the night's more hilarious skits.

Download below, or click here to view at PaulMcCartney.com.

BRET MICHAELS: 'Custom Built' for a good time (and fun for all ages)

I can't decide whether the above teaser for last night's VH1 Do Something! Awards (I didn't watch them - I was doing something) is funny or wrong...

Can something so funny, be wrong when it's so right?

Either way, you've gotta love Poison frontman Bret Michaels - he gets the joke, and isn't afraid to be part of the punchline.

Michaels' new solo release Custom Built isn't funny, but it's a lot of fun - and I'm not just saying that because Jason Miller gives the Rock of Love theme song a techno remix on the album [listen to song clips here]. Sure, I'm a little creeped out by the duet with Miley Cyrus (remember that she doesn't turn 18 until November when you listen to the lyrics - altogether now, "she's only seventeen..."), but it still works really well. There are more than a few Poison/Bon Jovi-inspired moments, as well as a healthy dose of country fashion that culminates with a star-studded, fiddle-flavored remake of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" featuring Brad Arnold of 3 Doors Down, Chris Cagle and Mark Wills. The album's not reinventing the wheel, but when did Bret ever lay claim to such lofty aspirations? He does a commendable job reinventing Sublime's "What I Got" as the album's lead single, and that just about says it all - you'll find everything Bret's got on Custom Built, and the results promise nothin' but a good time... Whether you're young and sexy, old and creepy, or somewhere in between.



Bret Michaels Official Website

American Idol falls flat with their Top 24

I always thought that one of the most awkward moments on television was when the American Idol contestants would dance in the video montage that announces the Top 24, followed close behind by the way they walk towards the camera and wink, smile and swoon at the start of each week's episodes.

But all of that changed with the litany of clumsy performances that marked this season's Top 24.

How bad was it? So bad that even though NBC paid a boatload for television rights to the Winter Olympics, it was FOX that truly epitomized the agony of defeat.

Sure, the overnight ratings were still there for Idol - but watching some of the performances proved more painful than taking a header down the Whistler alpine course. Here's a look at this season's Top 24...

To continue reading about this season's men and women, please click here.

Paul Gargano is the National Music Examiner for eXaminer.com.
Click here to visit his Examiner homepage.

Rage Against the Machine vs Simon Cowell:The U.K.'s unexpected American Idols

Don't expect to hear Rage Against The Machine on American Idol judge Simon Cowell's Christmas playlist this holiday season.

The reunited Los Angeles rockers - backed by the 500,000-member Facebook group 'Rage Against The Machine for Christmas No. 1' - beat X-Factor winner Joe McElderry for the coveted top spot on the U.K. singles chart this week... With a song that is as old as McElderry.

Referred to as 'Christmas No. 1,' the top of the Christmas-week U.K. singles chart used to be a hard-fought prize of the British music scene - until Cowell's X-Factor [think British American Idol] emerged and left all the competition in its wake.

For four years running, the annual X-Factor champion has claimed the Christmas No. 1.

But not this year, when a grass roots campaign begun by Rage fans Jon and Tracy Morter helped make the band's "Killing in the Name" the fastest-selling download in U.K. history, and the first download-only Christmas No. 1...

To continue reading, please click here.

Paul Gargano is the National Music Examiner for eXaminer.com.
Click here to visit his Examiner homepage.

R.I.P. Brittany Murphy - Her Musical Legacy

Brittany Murphy is best known for her starring roles in the movies 8 Mile and Clueless, but she also left her mark on the world of electronic music, where she collaborated with acclaimed trance DJ Paul Oakenfold.

Murphy - who died Sunday morning after suffering a cardiac arrest - sang on Oakenfold's "Faster Kill Pussycat," the opening track and lead single from his 2006 release A Lively Mind.

"Brittany Murphy was an amazing talent, but above all she was an amazing person," said Oakenfold Monday afternoon in a Twitter post. "She will be greatly missed. Our deepest condolences go out to her family."

In addition to providing all of the vocals on "Faster Kill Pussycat," Murphy also starred in the song's video.

To continue reading and watch the "Faster Kill Pussycat" video, please click here.

Paul Gargano is the National Music Examiner for eXaminer.com.
Click here to visit his Examiner homepage.

Jack Bauer interrogates Santa Claus

Adam Lambert's AMA kiss-off

Adam Lambert is good, but his closing performance on last night's American Music Awards made it pointedly clear why Kris Allen was the winner of last season's American Idol.

Instead of upping the ante visually and theatrically, we got four minutes of co-ed crotch grabbing and genitalia rubbing, capped by a "shocking" kiss with his keyboard player that looked more like Hannibal Lector biting his latest victim's face off.

When Marilyn Manson did it, it was dangerous. When Lady Gaga does it, it's gripping. Adam Lambert just makes it all look goofy and uncomfortable. As for the David Bowie and Freddie Mercury comparisons, show some respect - Adam Lambert can't even get a rehearsed kiss right, let alone deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as two of music's all-time greats.

"All hail freedom of expression and artistic integrity," Lambert said via Twitter following his performance.

Since when is going in for a commando kiss that looked as comfortable as prison rape defined as "freedom of expression"? I call it a whorish attempt at shock value, and the type of cheap publicity that is insulting to the gay community...

To finish reading this piece, please click here.

Paul Gargano is the National Music Examiner for eXaminer.com.
Click here to visit his Examiner homepage.

The Last Week In Tweets

Selections from my last week on Twitter. Among items not included in the recap are the bacon kid's dance remix, a McDonalds value meal that you won't find on the menu, and week two of the NFL... Want to join the fun? Feel free to Twit along with me @PaulGargano.




Jackasses of the week:
Kanye West & Terry Moran





• Let's lock Kanye West and Michael Vick in a steel cage and make them fight to the death... Then kill the winner.
(2:10 AM Sep 14th from web)

• I am not offended by bold statements. I am offended that bold statements need be toned down for people who can't think boldy.
(7:08 AM Sep 14th from web, in response to a Facebook debate
over the literal translation of the above statement)

• Word of the day: Churlish. I encourage everyone to use it in a sentence today (for example, to describe Kanye West)...
(7:45 AM Sep 14th from web)

• Kanye strikes again, but this time it's personal: http://tinyurl.com/rc48sw (thanks to @AdamsWorldBlog for pointing it out)
(3:13 PM Sep 16th from web)

• Terry Moran Twittering President Obama's off-the-record calling of Kanye a "jackass" is completely unacceptable.
(8:45 AM Sep 15th from web)

• "Credible" journalism needs to start with the audience: Demand integrity, and stop supporting the tactics of TMZ and Perez.
(8:48 AM Sep 15th from web)




This week's TV theme?
Boobs on the tube...




• New England Patriots and Buffalo Bills are rocking the old-school uniforms tonight on Monday Night Football, I love it!
(3:51 PM Sep 14th from web)

• True Blood finale was a letdown. I felt distant from characters during season two, and wasn't left aching for season three.
(1:39 AM Sep 15th from web)

• Why are most of the guys on Survivor: Somoa wearing only underwear? Except for Russell, he's wearing underwear and a hat.
(10:03 PM Sep 17th from TwitterBerry)

• I probably shouldn't be eating brownies and ice cream and drinking wine while watching The Biggest Loser, right?
(10:20 PM Sep 17th from TwitterBerry)

• Hung season finale could have been better - Too much setup, not enough laughs. Great show though, can't wait for season two!
(10:34 PM Sep 18th from TwitterBerry)

• Gross! RT @AdamsWorldBlog Why not combine the two? RT @PaulGargano My wife wants to watch Golden Girls instead of Lingerie Football League.
(10:50 PM Sep 18th from TwitterBerry)

• Watching season premier of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" -
Shouldn't it be called "Curb Yo Enthusiasm"?
(10:42 PM Sep 20th from TwitterBerry)




RIP Patrick Swayze




• "Nobody puts Baby in a corner." Patrick Swayze dies after long battle with pancreatic cancer. RIP http://tinyurl.com/l2vb9d
(5:09 PM Sep 14th from web)

• Dance, dance dirty, play hockey, move a penny without touching it, rob banks, surf, bounce at bars #ThingsPatrickSwayzeDid
(12:42 AM Sep 20th from TwitterBerry)

• I knew I forgot something: Wong Fu! RT @maidenman664 Don't forget dressing like a woman too #ThingsPatrickSwayzeDid
(12:59 AM Sep 20th from web)









• Megadeth "Endgame" (released today) is AMAZING.
Dave Mustaine is razor sharp and guitarist Chris Broderick shreds.
Best lineup since '98.
(3:33 PM Sep 15th from web)

• If Metallica's 12th studio album is half as good as Megadeth's "Endgame" (their 12th), I'll eat my copy of "Re-Load."
(5:59 PM Sep 18th from web)

• Megadeth has 12 studio albums, and only 4 were recorded with same band! "Peace" "So What" & "Rust" = all different lineups!
(5:21 PM Sep 19th from web)




• President Jimmy Carter blames "You lie!" on racism... Can we blame Carter's statement on senility? http://tinyurl.com/qov6k4
(11:05 AM Sep 16th from web)




• Read article on new lava planet (http://tinyurl.com/otguyb) and started wondering how matter began.
Now I have a headache.
(11:30 AM Sep 16th from web)




• KITTIE "In The Black"
came out yesterday.
Best album yet from queens of metal, a churning blend of melodic, prog and death.
(4:29 PM Sep 16th from web)







The Metal Edge Years...






• It depends, there are many... As a fan? Journalist? Fun? RT @bigmillion of all your yrs @ Metal Edge, what's yer fav memory?
(11:43 AM Sep 19th from web)

• Fun: Seeing @SebastianBach on B'way w/ @IAmJericho, Adrian Smith & sig others RT @bigmillion what's yer fav Metal Edge mems?
(2:27 PM Sep 19th from web)

• Fan: Flying in twin-engine w/ Bruce Dickinson, friendship with Queensryce... RT @bigmillion what's yer fav Metal Edge mems?
(2:30 PM Sep 19th from web)

• Journalist: 9/11 tribute issue, Dimebag tribute, Megadeth Behind the Music... RT @bigmillion what's yer fav Metal Edge mems?
(2:33 PM Sep 19th from web)

• So many more, including KISS, Ozzy, Drowning Pool, @ZakkWyldeBLS, Poison...
RT @bigmillion what's yer fav Metal Edge mems?
(2:43 PM Sep 19th from web)

• Forgot HUGE one: Writing back cov of David Lee Roth's autobiog. DLR is my muse. RT @bigmillion what's yer fav Metal Edge mems?
(3:04 PM Sep 19th from web)




Want to be a music writer?





• Never stop writing, never stop growing, and never forget why you love music... RT @bigmillion advice to get in music media biz?
(3:14 PM Sep 19th from web)

• Blogs are the new magazines, start your own! Be unique, be yourself, make it an extension of you... (re @bigmillion advice?)
(3:22 PM Sep 19th from web)

• Writers 3 worst enemies: Complacency, bad grammar and not editing your work. Respect your audience! (re @bigmillion advice?)
(3:28 PM Sep 19th from web)












• I'm in checkout line behind a blind person - It's amazing the things we take for granted... Like being able to see and hear.
(6:47 PM Sep 19th from TwitterBerry)

• After watching the blind guy, I'm not going to get angry about the fact that after 15 min in line, I left my wallet at home.
(6:50 PM Sep 19th from TwitterBerry)

Follow Paul Gargano on Twitter: @PaulGargano

The Last Week In Tweets

Selections from my last week in the world of Twitter. Not included in these festivities are the kid who loves bacon, protecting your chicken from Dokken, and a lot of back-and-forth about vampires... Want to join the fun? Feel free to Twit along with me @PaulGargano.



• You think? That white
album idea seems dicey.
RT @BielerBros68 I think this Beatles thing might just catch on, not sure...
(9:34 AM Sep 9th from web)





President Obama's Congressional speech
on health care reform:




• "Build on what works and fix what doesn't"
-President Obama on Health Care Reform
(5:31 PM Sep 9th from web)

• We interrupt the President for this breaking news: RT @THR
Ellen DeGeneres joins 'Idol' as fourth judge http://bit.ly/bL4bL
(5:35 PM Sep 9th from web)

• "To my Progressive friends... And to my Republican friends..."
Did I miss the memo that all Democrats are now "Progressive"?
(5:45 PM Sep 9th from web)

• Why am I cynical? Because politics are just like grade school: Everybody claps when someone else gets bullied or picked on.
(5:55 PM Sep 9th from web)

• Ellen is new 'American Idol' judge after Rosie, Pat Buchanan,
Tracii Guns and the Indian from the Village People declined...
(12:18 AM Sep 10th from web)





Remembering 9/11:





• Remember how you felt on September 11, 2001? Never forget... #WTC RT @sportsguy33 My 9/14/01 column: http://bit.ly/xoZvo
(10:05 AM Sep 11th from web)

• Nobody who died on 9/11 got a second chance. Freedom is a privilege, not a right. Respect it. http://tinyurl.com/l2xzfv #WTC
(10:06 AM Sep 11th from web)

• RT @realbrookewhite 9/11 reminds me to keep perspective...
it prompted us to be better people,more grateful & respectful...
lets not forget
(10:41 AM Sep 11th from web)





Season premier of the
Melrose Place remake:




• The new Melrose Place is the worst show EVER...
And I can't stop watching.
(10:35 PM Sep 11th from TwitterBerry)

• Melrose Place just gets worse and worse, but the force field protecting the remote from me just gets stronger and stronger.
(10:42 PM Sep 11th from TwitterBerry)

• New strategy: Fast forward through Melrose Place and watch the commercials... I like the new Kohls campaign, good writing.
(10:49 PM Sep 11th from TwitterBerry)

• Warning: Don't move to Melrose Place, because everybody there is shady and can't be trusted. People tend to die there, too.
(11:10 PM Sep 11th from TwitterBerry)













• Just got my special edition @ZakkWyldeBLS Cabbage Patch Kid. Smells kinda funky, but it's fun to cuddle with...
(3:08 PM Sep 12th from web)

• Just messing around... RT @nikkinana so is there really a Zakk Wylde cabbage patch doll or were you just messing with us?
(8:01 PM Sep 12th from TwitterBerry)




• The US takes the concert experience for granted. Want proof? Watch the South American scenes in "Flight 666"
- Goosebumps.
(7:44 PM Sep 12th from TwitterBerry)









The vampire phenomenon:





• Finally all caught up with True Blood in time for Sunday's finale...
It was all believable until they made the vampires fly.
(12:38 AM Sep 12th from TwitterBerry)

• Do the "Vampire Diaries" writers think nobody else saw "The Crow"? Not only are some lines the same, there's also a crow...
(11:37 PM Sep 12th from TwitterBerry)

• Pop-culture vampire question: With all the women there are to prey on, why do they need to always fight over the same one?
(11:47 PM Sep 12th from TwitterBerry)





Opening weekend
of the NFL season:




• @TheRealTMR @EricStangel And what's the lesson that Vick, Burress, Stallworth, McNair, and Marshall are sending the kids?
(12:10 PM Sep 12th from TwitterBerry) in response to:
Brett Favre named captain. A lesson 4 you kids, You can show up late and still be rewarded over those who put their time in
(by @EricStangel, 11:00 AM Sep 12th from web )

• Close your eyes: Harry Connick Jr sounds just like Frank Sinatra. Now open your eyes... He looks like Morton Downey Jr...
(5:39 PM Sep 10th from web, during NBC pre-game kickoff)

• Al Michaels during Titans defense intros: "We'll start putting up sub-titles next week." WOW! (Cue up Rev Al Sharpton...)
(5:53 PM Sep 10th from web)

• Already sick of hearing "noise, intensity, nerves" a factor for @Mark_Sanchez this year - USC is akin to an NFL franchise!
(10:46 AM Sep 13th from TwitterBerry)

• Everytime Favre gets sacked, it'll be because he missed training camp? Please... When he made training camp, he threw INTs!
(11:32 AM Sep 13th from TwitterBerry)

• Donovan McNabb has a broken rib? Defenses are warming up for Michael Vick. I can't wait for justice to be served NFL style.
(2:39 PM Sep 13th from TwitterBerry)

• Frank Gore was so open on that 49ers touchdown, they should change his number to 7-11. Way to blow the coverage, Cardinals.
(4:13 PM Sep 13th from TwitterBerry)

Follow Paul Gargano on Twitter: @PaulGargano

GIDGET (the Taco Bell dog)1994-July 21, 2009

Ed's note: Mini (my Editorial Assistant, pictured under "Support Staff" in the column to the right) asked to say a few words in memory of one of her favorite fellow canines, who died last night after suffering a stroke. After all the help she gives me screening albums, editing manuscripts, rolling calls and doing internet research, how could I refuse? --Paul

It's not easy being small. Just ask Russell from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, Bobby from The Brady Bunch, or Verne Troyer.

It's even harder for us dogs.

"Why don't you just get a cat?" "Your dog looks like a rat..." "Oh my god, you have a pet bat?" "Ooh, what a vicious watchdog..."

Yeah, you humans are really creative with your insults.

Sorry we can't all be as big as Golden Retrievers, Labs or Border Collies, but don't blame your dog envy on us. People say we're the small-minded ones, but we've got room for everyone in our packs.

And I like to think of Gidget as a canine version of Michael Jackson.

The King of Pop opened doors to MTV, and Gidget opened doggy doors to American pop culture. Michael Jackson transcended color lines, and Gidget transcended fast food's burger barrier. MJ penned "We Are The World," and Gidget coined "Yo quiero Taco Bell!"

And just like Michael Jackson, Gidget loved to make little kids smile. (Come on, just because my dad won't go there, doesn't mean I can't!)

Nothing against 101 Dalmations, Spuds Mackenzie, or Petey from Our Gang, but how much butt did Mojo kick in Transformers? Reese Witherspoon didn't have a Great Dane by her side when she graduated at the top of her class in Legally Blonde, and Paris Hilton doesn't walk around Beverly Hills with an armful of St. Bernards.

No, it doesn't count that Perez Hilton looks like a St. Bernard.

It doesn't matter if we're big or small, most dogs are wired the same. We can't get enough of our people, we love having our bellies rubbed, and every once in a while we'll bark for absolutely no reason at all.

Gidget reminded America that dogs come in all shapes and sizes, and it's okay to have ears as big as your head. For that, she'll forever hold a place in the hearts of us small - and sometimes awkward looking - dogs everywhere.

The next time you get your dog a side order of chicken at the Taco Bell drive-thru, take a moment to thank Gidget... And if you don't buy your dog chicken at the Taco Bell drive-thru, get with the program! You think you're the only one who quiero Taco Bell?

WOOF!

WALTER CRONKITENovember 4, 1916 - July 17, 2009

Walter Cronkite was a bit before my time. That's not to say that I don't remember him, but I remember the mythology, not the man.

My parents had yet to meet when he broke the news of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy's assassination on Friday, November 22, 1963. The Apollo 11 lunar landing happened two years before my birth, and I was barely walking in the waning days of the Vietnam War.

When Walter Cronkite retired from his post as anchor of the CBS Evening News on March 6, 1981, I was admittedly more interested in baseball scores and being a nine year old kid than the hum-drum last broadcast of a silver-haired guy who talked really slow, let alone about things that I barely gave a second thought.

If only I knew then, what I know now.

I wrote a thesis on the Vietnam War in college, and you couldn't write about the war without reading about Walter Cronkite. When he declared that the war was unwinnable during the Tet Offensive in 1968, President Lyndon Johnson stated that if he lost the support of Cronkite, he'd lose the support of middle America.

When Walter Cronkite died yesterday at the age of 92, it was more than an iconic newscaster that passed away. He brought with him the integrity of the American media, and the trust that President Johnson knew was integral to any straw poll and public opinion.

Walter Cronkite was more than just a news anchor, he was the most trusted man in America. What strikes me most about his passing, is the people talking about how he made them feel. The emotions he stirred. The calm he portrayed. When he spoke, people listened. Trust was inherent in his tone. Nobody questioned a single word he ever said.

Today, we question everything.

In the modern age of infinite television channels and instant internet feeds, ratings are won by breaking news first and fastest, not articulately and accurately. It's not about being calm and composed, it's about creating hype. And it's not about sense and sensibility, it's about sensationalism.

There used to be an air of finality to the news. Now we watch the news expecting it to change if we watch long enough. And if it doesn't change, we can just change the channel, where chances are good someone is reporting something else.

In the quarter-century since Walter Cronkite's retirement, news has evolved from something that is broken with integrity and reported with an air of nobility, to something that is broken in pieces, and sent over the air with little more than a concern for ratings.

Long before America was addicted to Red Bull and Twitters, Walter Cronkite knew that slow was the way to go. While the average American speaks at a rate of approximately 165 words per minute, Cronkite paced his newscasts at 3/4 that speed. He understood that delivery had just as much impact on the news, as the news itself.

Walter Cronkite was distinguished by his finesse. Today's newscasters rely on little more than flair.

Yes, that's symptomatic of the world we live in. And that's exactly why the passing of Walter Cronkite represents so much more than the loss of a television news anchor.

It is the end of an era in American journalism.

Can Hope Bring Progress?

I just watched "Right America: Feeling Wronged," an HBO documentary by Alexandra Pelosi. If the name sounds familiar, it should - she is the daughter of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, a democrat from California.

The description of the program read, "A documentary filmmaker talks with social conservatives, many of whom were very much opposed to the election of Barack Obama as president, on their feelings about the future of our nation now that he has taken the oath of office."

What the description should have read was, "A documentary filmmaker talks with rednecks, racists, religious fanatics and the right wing fringe in an effort to further political stereotyping and create a more divisive gap within America's two party system."

In 2009, America is a country defined by two things: Our past and our hope for the future. And why not? Who in their right mind would want to be defined by our present? We are a nation divided at every front, and a nation where division is introduced at an early age, encouraged throughout our youth, and embraced in adulthood.

No? Introduce me to an elementary school where the pudgy kid with glasses is picked first in kickball. Where the awkward girl with braces gets as much positive attention from boys as her doe-eyed classmate. Where it doesn't matter what kind of clothes you wear, what holiday you celebrate, or what kind of house you live in.

Find me a high school where the football coach tells his players that they're no better than the math team, and where cheerleaders want to date the guys on the debate team. How about a city that isn't divided by color and nationality? A Boston Red Sox fan who doesn't hate the New York Yankees?

Or maybe a democrat that has a single productive thing to say about a republican. Or vice versa. Politics are just another sickening example that we are a country bred to divide.

And that's what's wrong with America today.

It used to be The Cold War. The United States of America verses the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Russia was the bad guy, and it was us against them.

Now we don't have a common foe. We have nobody to unite against, so we unite against each other, and fueled by politics we have become more divided than ever before. Sure, we rallied against terrorism for a while, but as soon as the memories of 9/11 faded away, so did our united spirit of patriotism.

We live in a nation where it's the democrats verses the republicans. Blue verses red. Right verses left. Us verses them. You have to choose a side, because anything else is a wasted vote.

It doesn't need to be that way, and it shouldn't be that way. The United States was never built to be a two-party system, but it evolved into that as the political machine realized that the fewer choices people had, the less power people had.

But the real question isn't how much power we have as a people, it's what power we have as a people. Right now, we have the power to stay focused on the task at hand: Making America a better place tomorrow than it is today.

If every American embraced that responsibility, it wouldn't matter that the bulk of our elected officials are more concerned with political biases than they are with what's best for our population. On Capitol Hill, it's about advancing agenda over advancing change. From our vantage point, we just have to cross our fingers that the agenda is working for us, not against us.

As a people, we have to be bigger than the politicians who are blinded by partisanship, and smarter than the public who think that being a democrat or a republican makes you right or wrong.

Before we can hope for progress, we need to have faith in ourselves. Because if we can't have faith in ourselves, who will?

My brain tells me that the recently approved economic recovery package is flawed, but my heart wants me to be believe that the spirit of the package can prevail.

I'm not one to attack a problem with touchy-feely sensibilities, but we're faced by a problem that needs more than legislation. We're faced by a country so torn and divided, we need to mend its core before we can build for the future.

Are more food stamps, increased unemployment benefits, freezing foreclosures and a few extra dollars in every working man's pocket going to fix the problems that are inherent in our infrastructure? No, this country needs more than a cosmetic touch-up. But if they give the average American hope to feel like they can matter in the scheme of change, we might actually be onto something.

And that will be one hell of an accomplishment, because progress has to start somewhere...

Week In Review: 01/16/09

I'm going to blame my inability to think in anything more than short, stumbling grunts this morning on my last glass of Chianti last night, because I know it didn't have anything to do with any of the glasses before the last one. What does that have to do with "The Karate Kid"? Nothing, but I'll get there...

Last night (pre-Chianti) one of my contact lenses ripped in half... Strange thing is, it happened while it was in my eye. This morning, my glasses broke. Strange thing is, it happened while they were on my face. Common denominator to both incidents? Me. Strange things happen to strange people, I guess. Fortunately I had a spare pair of contact lenses and was able to fix my glasses. Unfortunately, I don't particularly like wearing contacts, and the Super Glue it took to repair my glasses isn't really making a fashion statement. It's not exactly tape on the bridge or a shattered lens, but it's definitely more Bakersfield than Beverly Hills. Not that I'm ever Beverly Hills, but if I ever make it back to Bakersfield, it'll require a lot more than Chianti.

No matter how awkward I feel, it can't compete with how Ryan Seacrest must have felt after trying to high five a blind guy on "American Idol" Tuesday night.

Speaking of momentarily losing one's self, a study was released this week and the findings suggest that drinking coffee decreases the probability of Alzheimer's and dementia in later life. I drink a lot of coffee. I guess I'll have to wait few decades for the dementia to go away. If you clicked on the link to the findings above, you no doubt saw this picture (and recognize that cup as espresso, not coffee):

I'd like to report my own findings: Smoking cigarettes with your coffee also decreases your probability of Alzheimer's and dementia in later years. How? By decreasing your chance of making it that far.

NAMM is this weekend in Anaheim. I'm doing what any logical person should do: Leaving the state of California altogether.

And on to "The Karate Kid"... If you think I'm long in the tooth, try ESPN columnist Bill Simmons on for size. Or you can just let me cut-and-paste a brilliant analysis he made in his column this week. He was watching the Eagles/Giants playoff game last Sunday and, in the waning minutes, was clearly about as into it as I was when he found a "Karate Kid" marathon (yes, all four movies!) on the ABC Family channel. We'll now join his story in progress...

"Just as it was becoming apparent Eli [Manning, Giants quarterback] had a better chance of eating one of the goalposts, digesting it and crapping it out than of throwing a decent pass in the Giant Stadium wind, 'Kid II' was finishing up and 'Kid III' was looming. So all wasn't lost. I spent the next hour trying to find similarities between Eli and Daniel-San, ultimately coming up with seven: Both wanted to live in Jersey over California; both possess the hard-to-explain ability to tick people off (even complete strangers); both won championships as huge underdogs that, in retrospect, make absolutely no sense whatsoever; both received serious officiating help during those titles (Eli for the various holding infractions during the Helmet Catch that weren't called, Daniel-San for winning the All-Valley Karate title on an illegal kick to the face); both have terrible body language when things are going badly for them (to the point that you lose all hope pretty much immediately); both had signature moments that were surprisingly similar both in stature and surprise (the Helmet Catch and the Crane Kick); and both eventually found forbidden love with a 65-year-old Japanese war veteran. Oh wait, that was just Daniel-San. Sorry, Eli."

Don't be afraid to say it, Bill Simmons is something of a genius... Not convinced yet? In said column, he also admits to counting the points, rebounds and assists of one of Michael J. Fox's teammates (#45) in the final basketball game in the movie "Teen Wolf." Gotta love it!

Finally, what's any mention of "The Karate Kid" without taking a moment to acknowledge the second installment's theme song, and Peter Cetera's first solo release since departing the band Chicago? Incomplete, that's what! Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the video for "The Glory of Love," complete with Peter Cetera's great hair, the movie's gripping footage, and more mushy lyrics than Celine Dion could shake her stick figure at:


EYEGLASS UPDATE: It's been about six hours since this post went up, and I've already had to glue my glasses back together twice. How is it that Super Glue can hold a car in midair on the package and in their logo, but can't hold the frame of my glasses to the rim of my lens?

Rock of Love Bus (On A Steel Horse They Ride)

That ain't a pistol, it's my... Rock of Love Bus! Season 3 of Poison frontman Bret Michaels' search for love - we'll use that word loosely, with an emphasis on loose - is a rip-roaring calamity of absurd implants and sub-zero intellects so mind-numbing, it turns your gray matter into silicone (that's a good thing, I swear). If you haven't heard, for this go round (surprisingly, Michaels' first two "Rock of Love" attempts to find the woman of his dreams didn't seem to pan out) he's brought his groupie menagerie on the road, packing the girls in pink and light blue tour buses as they follow him from city to city on a solo concert tour. It is laugh-out-loud television that is so bad, it's brilliant, serving up an endless array of VH1-sponsored idiocy that takes guilty pleasures to all new lows. Yup, it just doesn't get any better than this! I lost 20 IQ points watching the first episode, but since I figure that's 18 more than most of the girls on the show had to start with, I'd risk another 20 and watch again. This time, I'm only watching for the dialogue, I swear! They say a picture can tell a thousand words. Here are about a thousand words from the season premier that just don't need pictures...

"After two seasons of coming up empty handed, I had to ask myself, 'What the hell am I doing wrong?'" -Bret Michaels, who's scored more than his share of handfuls throughout the first two seasons, so I don't know what the hell he's talking about

"I'm everything I think a guy would want, actually - I'm different, I'm cool, I'm fun, I'm a little bit not too smart, but that's okay!" -Brittanya, who's got to score some points for at least knowing exactly where she stands

"What the blonde bimbo hell have I walked into?" -Mindy (not blonde)

"I am a DJ and I am also known for doing graffiti, but then I got six months of, like, jail time, so I was like, okay, if I get my boobs done then I'm not going to climb the buildings, I might pop one, or I'm not going to climb the freeways because it's hard, so I decided to get my boobs done for that reason." -Nikki, who then rapped lyrics she wrote for Brett off sheets of paper that had information about genital herpes and gonorrhea printed on the back of them. "I'm not exactly sure what his impression might have been," she said, "but hopefully he heard the lyrics and knew a little bit more about me, at least..." Yeah, we'll see how much Bret is turned on by the fact that you recycle paper, sweetheart!

"I'm starting an escort agency out of Canada - Hi, I'm Natasha, an aspiring madam." -Natasha, an aspiring madam

"I get a man's attention with... I usually just push my boobs up - just kidding..." -Farrah, who I really don't think is kidding

"I actually get really carsick, though, that's the only thing I'm afraid of. Limos get me sick, taxi cabs get me sick, buses get me sick - so I think I would like to sit in the front of the bus." -Samantha, who apparently doesn't know the difference between a tour bus and a Greyhound. They'll be putting the drama in Dramamine this season.

"I don't want to be the first naked girl... How about I just show you my ass?" -Taya, a Penthouse Pet cover girl/centerfold who doesn't want to seem one-dimensional

"Mass chaos, it's a like a stampede of stripper heels." -Samantha, describing the scene as the girls pack their luggage on the buses

"I packed very lightly, just my Luis Vuitton bag. It's a carry-on, and all my clothes are really small and I could pretty-much fit six weeks of clothes in there." -Nikki, who saved space by not packing underwear

"I'm gonna tell you straight out, I do no illegal drugs. Everything I've ever taken and am on is legal and (burp) - excuse me, I've been drinking a little..." -Nikki, a veritable quote machine

"So we're up onstage trying to have a good time and I look over and see Farrah and Gia making out, basically swapping diseases. It was very disgusting to watch. Are you guys here for Bret, or are you putting on a show for these hillbillies?" -Natasha, who offends pretty easily for an aspiring madam, don't you think?

"If Farrah wants to lick my boobs, she can lick my boobs anytime she wants..." -Gia, who later places a test tube of liquor in a place for Nikki to, well, do something Bret says he hasn't seen done in all his years of touring. Having been on the road with Poison before,I highly doubt that, but I digress... Nikki was (surprise) all too happy to oblige: "I'm freaking horny right now because for three months I haven't been with a guy because I had a girlfriend and I thought this girlfriend thing was going to work out, whatever..." Says Bret, "All's I know is, thank God alcohol kills 99.9 percent of all germs."

"Your boobs are saggy, that's cute." -Ashley, to Beverly, who then tosses her shot glass and hits Gia, who throws a drink back at Beverly from about three feet away, but misses her by a foot

"I'm not a lesbian or totally bisexual, but if that's what you want, and I love you, then I would do that for you..." -Brittaney, the former porn star who's apparently only partially bisexual

"I was so angry at her, I pushed her on the couch and I choked her - you do not waste alcohol like that, that is not cool!" -Marcia, the Brazilian, after Ashley poured a beer on her

"I just specifically asked you guys not to be slutty..." -Big John, Bret's best friend and head of security, in the season previews

I know, it's just not the same without pictures! To check out the girls of "Rock of Love Bus," click here. God I love this show!

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Click here for an archived liveDaily review of Poison's 08.12.07 performance at the Verizon Amphitheater in Irvine, CA.