Rock of Love Bus (On A Steel Horse They Ride)

That ain't a pistol, it's my... Rock of Love Bus! Season 3 of Poison frontman Bret Michaels' search for love - we'll use that word loosely, with an emphasis on loose - is a rip-roaring calamity of absurd implants and sub-zero intellects so mind-numbing, it turns your gray matter into silicone (that's a good thing, I swear). If you haven't heard, for this go round (surprisingly, Michaels' first two "Rock of Love" attempts to find the woman of his dreams didn't seem to pan out) he's brought his groupie menagerie on the road, packing the girls in pink and light blue tour buses as they follow him from city to city on a solo concert tour. It is laugh-out-loud television that is so bad, it's brilliant, serving up an endless array of VH1-sponsored idiocy that takes guilty pleasures to all new lows. Yup, it just doesn't get any better than this! I lost 20 IQ points watching the first episode, but since I figure that's 18 more than most of the girls on the show had to start with, I'd risk another 20 and watch again. This time, I'm only watching for the dialogue, I swear! They say a picture can tell a thousand words. Here are about a thousand words from the season premier that just don't need pictures...

"After two seasons of coming up empty handed, I had to ask myself, 'What the hell am I doing wrong?'" -Bret Michaels, who's scored more than his share of handfuls throughout the first two seasons, so I don't know what the hell he's talking about

"I'm everything I think a guy would want, actually - I'm different, I'm cool, I'm fun, I'm a little bit not too smart, but that's okay!" -Brittanya, who's got to score some points for at least knowing exactly where she stands

"What the blonde bimbo hell have I walked into?" -Mindy (not blonde)

"I am a DJ and I am also known for doing graffiti, but then I got six months of, like, jail time, so I was like, okay, if I get my boobs done then I'm not going to climb the buildings, I might pop one, or I'm not going to climb the freeways because it's hard, so I decided to get my boobs done for that reason." -Nikki, who then rapped lyrics she wrote for Brett off sheets of paper that had information about genital herpes and gonorrhea printed on the back of them. "I'm not exactly sure what his impression might have been," she said, "but hopefully he heard the lyrics and knew a little bit more about me, at least..." Yeah, we'll see how much Bret is turned on by the fact that you recycle paper, sweetheart!

"I'm starting an escort agency out of Canada - Hi, I'm Natasha, an aspiring madam." -Natasha, an aspiring madam

"I get a man's attention with... I usually just push my boobs up - just kidding..." -Farrah, who I really don't think is kidding

"I actually get really carsick, though, that's the only thing I'm afraid of. Limos get me sick, taxi cabs get me sick, buses get me sick - so I think I would like to sit in the front of the bus." -Samantha, who apparently doesn't know the difference between a tour bus and a Greyhound. They'll be putting the drama in Dramamine this season.

"I don't want to be the first naked girl... How about I just show you my ass?" -Taya, a Penthouse Pet cover girl/centerfold who doesn't want to seem one-dimensional

"Mass chaos, it's a like a stampede of stripper heels." -Samantha, describing the scene as the girls pack their luggage on the buses

"I packed very lightly, just my Luis Vuitton bag. It's a carry-on, and all my clothes are really small and I could pretty-much fit six weeks of clothes in there." -Nikki, who saved space by not packing underwear

"I'm gonna tell you straight out, I do no illegal drugs. Everything I've ever taken and am on is legal and (burp) - excuse me, I've been drinking a little..." -Nikki, a veritable quote machine

"So we're up onstage trying to have a good time and I look over and see Farrah and Gia making out, basically swapping diseases. It was very disgusting to watch. Are you guys here for Bret, or are you putting on a show for these hillbillies?" -Natasha, who offends pretty easily for an aspiring madam, don't you think?

"If Farrah wants to lick my boobs, she can lick my boobs anytime she wants..." -Gia, who later places a test tube of liquor in a place for Nikki to, well, do something Bret says he hasn't seen done in all his years of touring. Having been on the road with Poison before,I highly doubt that, but I digress... Nikki was (surprise) all too happy to oblige: "I'm freaking horny right now because for three months I haven't been with a guy because I had a girlfriend and I thought this girlfriend thing was going to work out, whatever..." Says Bret, "All's I know is, thank God alcohol kills 99.9 percent of all germs."

"Your boobs are saggy, that's cute." -Ashley, to Beverly, who then tosses her shot glass and hits Gia, who throws a drink back at Beverly from about three feet away, but misses her by a foot

"I'm not a lesbian or totally bisexual, but if that's what you want, and I love you, then I would do that for you..." -Brittaney, the former porn star who's apparently only partially bisexual

"I was so angry at her, I pushed her on the couch and I choked her - you do not waste alcohol like that, that is not cool!" -Marcia, the Brazilian, after Ashley poured a beer on her

"I just specifically asked you guys not to be slutty..." -Big John, Bret's best friend and head of security, in the season previews

I know, it's just not the same without pictures! To check out the girls of "Rock of Love Bus," click here. God I love this show!

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Click here for an archived liveDaily review of Poison's 08.12.07 performance at the Verizon Amphitheater in Irvine, CA.